This isn’t going to be a rant against Black women. It’s also not an apology.
I’m an American-African*. And I’m a real man. I have achieved a few things in my life. I educated myself at a university. I knew the knowledge was within me and I hoped to find others to help bring it out. I didn’t go for what they had to teach. I got the diploma because after a passport, it’s the most-needed document for access to the world. I have been to many places in the world, and have lived in several other countries. I have given to charity, and worked for charity. I’ve sponsored and taught students. I’ve lived up to my word, and been true to my principles- my family’s principles, my African principle, my God’s principles.
(* American-African because the adjective comes before the noun. We are Africans. “American” is just to tell where we are.)
Why didn’t I marry an American-African woman? The question should be why I didn’t marry an American woman.
American culture and Western culture are counterproductive to the character and values that make a good spouse and successful marriage. The producers, adherents and victims of these cultures are, in growing numbers, unmarriageable- whether male or female. I am a real man. I cannot prove that to you, so I will just say what real men want from a wife. Go to the people you consider real men and see if they agree:
- STFU and Do What I Say, a/k/a Support
This is the most important thing a man needs from a wife. Not all the time, but when it’s that time, she needs to know. There is no order without following orders. We go around saying we’re kings and that we descend from kings, but is that just for Facebook memes? If it’s not, then know that a king takes counsel, and a king serves, but A KING’S WORD IS LAW. That’s part of being a king, too, right? Every man must feel like a king. Without that level of respect and submission, a man is insecure because he has no idea what’s going to happen in his home. How can he win when he’s in a constant battle?
A man wants advice when he asks, or in other well-timed instances. He doesn’t need reminders of his past mistakes, except as part of welcome advice. He doesn’t want to have to explain every single detail, or to say how something that is only a vision in his head is going to look in reality.
It’s not about control. It’s about order. Whether you have a boss or are the boss, you know that what the boss says goes, whether you were part of the decision or not, and whether you agree or not. And if you don’t agree, now’s not the time- STFU and do what I say. Women break themselves for their professors, bosses, judges, etc., but when it comes to their husbands it’s all about breaking him.
- Sexual Availability
This is a physical and psychological need. A NEED, not a want. Think of it as food. When someone’s hungry, he doesn’t want to be asked why he’s hungry, or reminded of the last time he ate, or told that this isn’t his regularly scheduled eating time. He NEEDS to eat.
Unfulfilled Sexual desire damages self-esteem, drains mental focus, and causes anger. This is only number two because a lack of respect is even more damaging to self-esteem, focus and peace of mind.
A real man provides for his people- wife and children first, but also immediate and extended family. He helps them. He guards them. He guides and carries them through their challenges. All he asks in return is appreciation and respect. He should be spoken to, and spoken of, in the most respectful terms AT ALL TIMES. How a woman talks to her husband, especially in public, and how she talks about him, either gives or robs him of all satisfaction.
- Division of Labor
As much as a real man is willing to do, there are some things he’s not. Respect that. It’s not about logic- it’s admittedly about pride. Take it at face value. You appreciate what a person does by not complaining about what they don’t. Don’t make him feel like a boy carrying his mother’s purse around the mall.
A man never, ever, want his wife to express admiration for another man, on any level. Even worse is open comparison to another man. The absolute worst is bringing up previous relationships. No, the absolute worst is having to share his wife with her previous boyfriends/husbands. There are other males on the planet, and he knows that. But when a man says “my wife”, it implies duty, commitment AND belonging.
This is what real men are. And a real woman focuses on what a man IS, not what he “should be”. You wanna talk Pan-Africanism, Black consciousness, etc. then don’t flip the script when it comes to discussing African manhood. This is who and what African men are.
What the westernization mindfuck comes in and does is essentially tell women that men are horses to be broken. Well do you know why horses have to be broken? Because you riding their ass all the time isn’t in their nature. Women- ALL women, not just African women- your motivational speeches are glorified nagging. It’s not for him, it’s for some sick need for control that’s been created in you. It’s not strong- it’s offensive. You can be strong and pleasant, too. The fact that you go out of your way to be unpleasant is a sign of something sick in your heart.
This “democratization” of relationships and families is part of the colonized mindstate that rattling off African factoids doesn’t get you out of (it’s a start, though). Democracy is essentially a constant state of rebellion and rejection of authority. Families are kingdoms. The king- i.e. the man- bears the ultimate responsibility, so he also bears the ultimate authority. Never, except in the western family, is a person held responsible for a thing while simultaneously being expected to exercise no control over it. Western culture renders women unmarriageable.
Note that color does not figure on this list. Nor do consciousness or political orientation. This is a list of universals and essentials. At the end of the day, he can do without the rest. Do you think a man who feels like a boy carrying his mom’s purse around the mall really cares about politics? How many men do you imagine would gladly trade a morning quickie for intriguing conversation about nation-building?
No men brave enough will deny that this is what he wants in a woman. No woman who thinks of what her ideal mate’s ideal mate would be like can deny the likelihood of these being in the picture. The issue is, how many American or Western women show up ready? Notice I didn’t ask about Black women, because the problem affects ALL women in the “West”
I could have married a black woman.
I flew up to Michigan from Texas twice to meet with her and her family. But one morning I saw that her father had been on the couch the night before (and he even told me he had later that day). I refuse to accept that kind of humiliation, and I could never be with someone who had the impudence to even try such a thing. Then later, she went and told the whole world about some little thing I did (telling a (i.e. one) joke when meeting with a marriage counselor), but she didn’t bring up to me until after she had spoken to all of them. That told me I would always be in competition with her all her friends and family.
Another woman was a law student. She started experiencing severe panic attacks during her summer law internship. I asked her if she thought that might mean law wasn’t for her. She said yes. I asked her if she planned on leaving. She said no. I decided I couldn’t trust a person who wouldn’t walk away from harm when they saw it.
I do not ascribe my objections to them to their background. They were general AMERICAN phenomena, common in ALL races and cultures found in America. I’m defending the sisters here by saying that brothers need to get off what the sisters are doing wrong in all these memes and articles as if other American women don’t do the same. Of the three categories of producers, adherents (members) or victims of American culture (none of which are mutually exclusive- think Venn Diagram) American African women experience more of victimhood than the other two. They make little input and receive little benefit relative to the harm that is directed toward them. So, minor particulars aside, there is nothing “wrong” with Black women that isn’t “wrong” with all American women.
Should I have waited? Maybe. But for how long? Of the millions of eligible sisters, certainly there were many with whom I could have been compatible. But where?
Shouldn’t I have been patient? How would I have known I wasn’t waiting for something that wasn’t gonna happen? What kind of person would I be to love a woman for who I’m waiting for her to change into instead of who she is? I can forgive and empathize with what women have gone through, but for us to be together, she has to be there. I neither demand nor offer perfection, but both people have to be ready.
Well, I got married to a woman who is not from the West and who has never been there, nor was a member of the westernized elites of her society. Her skin is unusually pale for her family.
Let me make it clear that I married her for who she was, not despite who she wasn’t . It wasn’t “Well, she’s not black, but…”. I admit I couldn’t say how I was going to commit to her without compromising my commitments to Africa and Africans, but I had to believe in my self, not her, for that.
And so what?
You know Malcolm X, and Martin Luther King, and and H. Rap Brown, and Angela Davis, and Nikki Giovanni? They’re all clearly mixed ancestry, if not admittedly. They’re not 100% African, and NEITHER ARE YOU. So if producing mixed children is a betrayal of the race and the ancestors, then they are that betrayal, and SO ARE YOU. But did they not contribute? And can’t you? So what precludes my children from doing the same? The presence or lack of knowledge, not of genes.
We celebrate Charlotte of Mecklenburg-Strelitz, and Pushkin and many others who all had obvious, if not predominant, non-African ancestry. But we insist that they were African anyway. Many of us have the same genetic and/or phenotypical profile, and we insist that we are African. Yet I know people with a West Asian (“European”) parent who have more tightly-coiled hair, broader lips and noses, and darker skin than some of them and some of you (http://www.gameshowstogo.com/about.html). So on what basis can you object to mixed-race children? They’re as African (if not more) than people on whose African-ness our scholarship makes us certain, and as African as people, even ourselves, about whose African-ness we are certain. You know what our scholars would say if they saw an image that looked liked my children? “That’s an African.”
Frederick Douglass did more for American Africans than most of us can even dream of, and his second wife was white. Do we, who do little or nothing (if not less than nothing) presume to be more aware than he was? Between his views on advancement of African causes, and yours, who’s likelier to be wrong?
Are wise or even intelligent to insist that people who deny being Black (Ronaldo, Neymar) really are, but then tell people who are just as mixed that they aren’t?
These are all arguments, but here’s an indisputable fact: African men and women marry non-African spouses. It happens. It’s not going to stop.
So what if a brother wakes up to things AFTER starting a family with a white woman? What if a sister does after starting a family with a white man? They come to you and they’re amazed by what they’re learning about the world and themselves. What’s the policy? Tell them to divorce and deny their children? Subject them to humiliating tirades and corny-ass memes along with the real knowledge? What does Africa teach? Forgiveness. Teaching. Embrace. Your public and private conversations should never be ones that would turn a person who wants to know away.
What the fuck are you anyway? The leader of an African army? The owner of vast swathes of African land being developed into a community as we speak? How many Africans have you ever helped directly? A 100% Sub-Saharan Equatorial Congoid blue-Black African of royal Bantu stock? A fluent speaker of an African language? Are you even married to be telling someone how it’s supposed to be done?
That’s the problem. We got new knowledge, but we’re doing the same shit with it: turning it against ourselves.
We’re not 100% African, but we put that up as an ideal. (News Flash: THAT DOESN’T FUCKING APPLY TO YOU.) We curse the genes that run through our bodies and expect to get something useful from it. We’re nine-to-fivers as much as we’re Five Percenters. We claim to be gods, but we owe rent to devils. We smoke chronic because it’s medicine even though we don’t have any chronic ailments.
If we were smart, we would embrace who we are: miscegenated Africans. Many of our heroes of recent and distant history have been the same. So will many heroes of today and the future. Mexico did it- they defined themselves as a mestizo nation- an “official” mix of Indian and Spanish blood (they neglected the African blood but the point is they embraced their mixed ancestry rather than putting full-blooded Indian or full-blooded Spanish on a pedestal, or insisting that anyone who mixed with Indian or Spanish wasn’t Mexican). China did it. Anyone who says they’re Han is Han- which brings strength to the Hans. Prime example: Jews. Anyone with a drop is a Jew- and they don’t care what else you have. They may not welcome Falashas in Israel, but they never turn a Jew away from their cause anywhere else.
We’re mixed. We’re African, but we’re mixed. We need to embrace it. We need to see that it’s not who you marry, but what you know and how you live (and whether you marry) that makes the most difference. If our way of thinking doesn’t make use of miscegenation, then it can’t make use of us. And whaddo you know? For the most part, it hasn’t.
I welcome your comments, even your criticism. I only ask that you offer no more words in criticism than you are ready to offer dollars to a fundraiser for my Ghanaian brother-in-law’s medical school that I’m preparing to announce.
P.S. I wasn’t going to, but I’ma put this out there. I had a white colleague married to an Ethiopian Christian. He’s a convert to the Ethiopian Orthodox church, puts his kids in an Ethiopian international school, and is building a house on his land in Ethiopia.
He’s married to a Black woman- how many of you are, for all your talk of it?
He’s a member of an indigenous African congregation, with an African deity. How many of you are? (Kemet memes don’t count.)
He puts his children through an African curriculum. How many of you do?
He owns land in Africa, and has concrete plans to reside there. How many of you can say the same?
There’s more to the story, but the point is to look at your own self before you start criticizing if you want your self to be useful. Real talk: STFU if you’re not an example. Only once you’ve accomplished something- and I have my accomplishments- can you know how little words matter.