Ladies and Gentlemen of the Congress, of the United States, and the world, today I have taken the brave decision to bomb chemical weapons of the Asad regime and Syria. This decision was made after careful deliberation, and consultation with the leaders of the United States armed forces, and coercion with our European partners. We want everyone, who loves peace to know- and who doesn’t love peace? Even I like getting a piece, every now and then- that the United States will no longer be accepting Islamic Muslim refugees. We’re not having ‘em, after the Mexicans, there’re just too many. In order to stop the influx of Syrians who are fleeing the bombs, we are going to bomb the people who are bombing them, until there aren’t any more bombs, because all of the bombs, have been bombing, and that will end the bombing, and then they can all stay home. Bombing to end bombing is the most decent thing we can do. I grew up in New York, and there’s a statue there of Venus, the Greek goddess of love, holding the Ten Commandments, and on those commandments, it says
Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost, to me
Only we’re not doin’ that anymore. After my grandfather came from Germany, it’s been America First. We want America like the Great Lakes- great. And like the Lakers- they’re great, too. Not my favorite team because, like I said, I’m a New Yorker, but still, not too bad. If you’re tired, stay home. If you’re poor, we’re poor too. I’m the president, and I’ve been bankrupt at least four times. We got nothin’ for ya. Huddling, yeah sure, if you’re good at football, American football that uses your hands, come and huddle with us. If you’re homeless, you know what, we’re sending our homeless to Syria, right after the bombing of the bombers stops the bombs. They’ll like it there, it’s just like our inner cities. Therefore, by the powers vested in me, I now pronounce- go bomb Syria! Thank you, and God Bless America!