Advice to a Single Mother, from Her Son

Overview

This isn’t a criticism of single mothers- it’s a criticism of what some single mothers do wrong with their sons.  Not all situations are the same.  Sometimes both parents are “to blame”.  Sometimes no one is.  Everyone loses at the blame game.  It’s time to take an honest, non-judgmental look at emotional abuse and the cycle of broken lives it perpetuates.  )I want this to be a balanced posts of do’s and don’ts, but I don’t know any single mothers well, so put positives in the comments and I’ll insert them into the article!)

Summary

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly
The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

According to the author Shawn James*, “contrary to the belief of most feminists and liberals, a woman CANNOT be a mother and a father to a boy. Nor can she raise a boy to become a man.  Only a man can teach a man how to be a Real Man.”  Here is a summary of his analyses and observations.  (Some points assume the father can, would, and should be in his son’s life, which isn’t always the case.  Read the full article here.)

  1. Speaking negatively about their father.  The boy grows up doubting himself. They think that there’s something wrong with them.
  2. Saying negative things about men.  This makes little boys afraid of embracing their masculinity and their male identity.
  3. Teaching their sons to disrespect their fathers’ authority.  Boys growing up to disrespect of their fathers have no respect for all other men in society.
  4. Teaching their sons to disrespect male authority and male authority figures.  This is why many boys who come from single parent homes have a hard time adjusting to the real world.
  5. Projecting anger at the father onto the son.  These emotionally abusive blows knock boys down for the count emotionally before they even get up to become men.
  6. Not allowing their father to see them.  Boys need that relationship with their father to gain a sense of themselves and to understand their masculinity and male identity.
  7. Bringing in substitutes for a father.  Oftentimes he winds up just as overwhelmed and frustrated as the single mother is because he has no understanding of the family’s history or the previous history of the child.
  8. Coddling their sons.  Their sons never grow up learning they have to take responsibility for their actions.
  9. Inconsistent discipline.   Boys never learn that for every action there will be the same reaction every time.
  10. Teaching boys to be emotional.  This loss of self-control can cause him to be seen as weak by other men and make him a target for the abuses of both predatory men and women.
  11. Not teaching their sons what boundaries are.  They don’t know when they’ve gone TOO FAR. They violate people’s personal space. And they can’t take NO for an answer.
  12. Not teaching their sons coping skills.  When things like rejection, failure and loss come into their lives they don’t grieve, hurt for a while and move on like Real Men do.
  13. Establishing a co-dependent relationship.   They use their sons to get their emotional and other needs met it literally sucks the life out of these boys, preventing them from growing up to become healthy, functional men who can have a relationship with women his own age.
  14. Smothering.   All it leads to is him growing up dependent on women for his existence.
  15. Bullying.  Single mothers often use threats, intimidation and verbal abuse to control their sons because they become frustrated when they act in masculine ways they don’t understand.
  16. Trying to run his life.  Boys have grow up and learn how to do things for themselves if they’re going to survive out there.
  17. Thinking she can raise a man be a man on her terms.  There are only some lessons a man can teach a boy about life, and women need to understand this.
  18. Trying to turn their sons into “Perfect” people.  Boys who grow up to become men who are afraid of taking risks. Men who are always playing it safe. Men who are nothing more than cowards.
  19. Not encouraging them or supporting them in their quest to become independent men.  without that boy to maintain that co-dependent relationship with them, they’ll wither away and die pathetic lonely women. Or worse, they fear that their sons will find out the TRUTH regarding the relationship between her and his father.
  20. Not encouraging boys to embrace their masculinity.  By emasculating him and destroying his masculinity and male identity, she hopes to get back at that man who she thinks did her wrong.
  21. Not encouraging boys to embrace their sexuality. there was nothing wrong with sex. There was just something wrong with the way she had relationships with men that led to her having bad experiences.
  22. Misleading boys about Male/female relationships.  The Single mother may want a man who is their friend after her failed relationships with men. But younger women who are functional and want a good relationship DO NOT want their man to be their best friend.
  23. Telling boys that all women are whores.  The goal of this shaming language is to make the boy back away from a possibly healthy relationship with a woman outside of her and continue maintaining a co-dependent relationship they have with each other.
  24. Sabotaging his relationships with women.  Single mothers hate their sons having girlfriends because they fear that as he gets closer to this woman, he’ll start establishing healthy boundaries that will sever the emotional hose they have hooked up to them.

Conclusion

It takes two to make a woman a single mother.  Fathers have a role to play.  I’m not judging anybody.  I will say, though, that every parent who wishes the best for their children will do everything, looking past their pride, their past, their needs and their pain, to give them the best chance in life by avoiding obvious mistakes.

———-

* Freelance Writer.  Here’s his explanation of his post, in the comments to the original article:

I’m not implying anything. I’m just stating the facts.
Let’s look at the statistics in the Black community which is 70 percent single mothers and 70 percent of all births are out of wedlock:

  • 70 Percent of all Black males born to single mothers wind up dropping out of school before they finish High School (Some even quit Junior High schoo,)
  • 70 Percent of all Black males born to single mothers usually wind up in some type of trouble with the criminal justice system before they turn 18,
  • 70 percent of all Black males Born to single mothers wind up incarcerated,
  • 70 Percent of all Black males born to single mothers usually wind up unemployable.

When boys are born to a single mother they’re usually put on a road to destruction.

One of my family members is a NYC school teacher and sees the dysfunction and chaos caused in the lives of boys due to living in these single parent female headed homes. These boys are insecure and act out because there is no man there to meet his emotional needs.

Why are boys today softer and more effeminate than in previous generations? Why do they attach themselves to images of males on TV? Because THERE IS NO FATHER IN THE HOME TO MODEL MANHOOD FOR THEM.

You do need a father to raise a son. Only a man can teach another man to be a man. Now I’m sorry if things with the man you chose to be with didn’t work out, but without a positive male in a boy’s life he is not getting what he needs emotionally and mentally to grow up to become a functional adult.

A woman CANNOT teach a boy to become a man because she DOES NOT KNOW what it is to BE A MAN or what a MAN will face in the world.

I grew up with a part-time Dad and now I’m just realizing what I missed out on because I didn’t have a man in my life full-time to teach me about manhood. This piece was to let know women know the numerous ways they harm their sons by depriving them of a father.

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Divorced Woman Shares 4 Ways She Killed Her Marriage

1. She emasculated him all the time – She spoke about him to her friends in a demeaning manner. She would complain about him all the time and tell her girlfriends about the things that he did that she thought were wrong or things that he didn’t do. Sometimes she would do this in front of him leaving him feeling hurt and embarrassed. She said that she treated him like he was a child sometimes. He eventually began to pull away and she began looking for every little fault that she could find.

Read the other 3 HERE.

rules

“I Would Rather Be Stateless than Nameless”: Names and Heritage in Africa

‘We don’t have arbitrary names for entire families where I come from. Or middle names we never use. We honour the men who contributed to our lives by carrying their names. We are taught the names of our forefathers seven generations deep for a reason. So we don’t forget their sacrifices. So we can claim our heritage with pride and knowledge of our histories.” [READ MORE…]

Why Gay is the New Black 1: White & Gay Supremacy

Analysis, not accusations…

Definition

What is supremacy?  Let us look at two examples:

1) A person hurts another person.

2) A person cheats another person.

In both examples, supremacists ascertain how to react in a sense that serves their groups interests.  The responses fit this objective.

-If the offender is a member and the victim is not, no ‘crime’ is committed.

-If the offender is not a member and the victim is, an extreme form of ‘justice’ will be served.

-If both the offender and victim are members, arbitration will ensue.

-If neither the offender nor the victim is a member, arbitration may or may not ensue.

This is all regardless of any written policy.  These are acts of “Supremacy.”  (definition adapted from “Occidentals”- African Blood Siblings)

Observation

Let us look at the NFL through this prism:

Case A:  An NFL player tweeted “OMG” and “Horrible” about a man kissing his male partner to celebrate being drafted into the NFL.

Case B:  A white NFL player was caught sending racist, threatening text messages to a black teammate.  Investigations showed the behavior had persisted for several years.

Case C:  A black NFL player was convicted of beating his black fiancee unconscious, after being caught on tape dragging her from an elevator.

(Read all 3 stories here.)

All 3 players were punished according to their crime.  In Case A, the offending player was lightly warned after it was judged that his tweets were as much a response to PDA (public display of affection) being unusual at a draft, as they were an expression of his distaste for homosexuality.  He was reminded to be respectful of all players’ lifestyle choices.  In Case B, the player was hit with heavy fines and a lengthy suspension.  He was advised to participate in African-American charity and community events to repair his and the league’s image.  In case C, the player was slapped with a lifetime ban from the NFL.  A statement was issued in defense of women’s rights.

Sounds about fair, do you want the real stories now?

Case A:  Player hit with indefinite suspension (may never play again) and a heavy fine.

Case B:  Light fine and suspension after lengthy, contentious investigation.

Case C:  No punishment or official response.

Analysis

What’s the logic?  (There definitely is one.)

Case A Logic:  Gay Supremacy.

Homosexuality was publicly denounced, so swift, heavy retribution had to ensue to re-assert gay tribalism.

Case B Logic:  White Supremacy.  The offender is white, and the victim black, however, this is another rule of supremacy- don’t draw exposure.  The victim’s case caused a media whirlwind, and there was a written record of the crimes.  Punishment was necessary for the sake of masking white supremacist objectives.

Case C Logic:  Irrelevant to Supremacists.

Both the victim and perpetrator were black.

The offender and victim were both black heterosexuals.  As the crime stayed below media radar, the case drew no interest.

Commentary

Football is just a sport, but it is America’s biggest sport.  And the NFL is one of America’s most profitable organizations.  The NFL (clothing, posters, games, sports radio, sports websites, etc.) is a part of nearly every American household.  It is the fabric of American society, and American society, in turn, is the world’s most influential culture.

The NFL is run by and for some of the wealthiest men in America, most of whom are white.  Their decisions reflect the knowledge and agenda of America’s elites.

Case A had a black man speaking about against another black man, but the interests of gay supremacy were affected, despite the situation having no relevancy to white supremacy.

In Case B, the perpetrator was white and the victim black, but like the NBA’s Donald Sterling, measures had to be taken because of the risk of the white supremacist agenda being exposed.  Donald Sterling and the NBA have practiced systematic white supremacy for decades, with discriminatory housing and ticketing prices, intentionally ‘whitening’ the league by importing west Asian (“European”) players, and the like.  (Read Here.)  None of these caught the world’s attention, because the team-owner elites have brothers in media-owning elites who share their interests.  However, in the case of a leak, Freudian slip, or off-the-cuff tirade, damage control has to be done.  Occasionally, a member has to take it for the team.

Am I saying that there is an intersection or connection between whiteness and homosexuality, to that white supremacy and gay supremacy should overlap?

Yes.  Homosexuality has been a pillar of nearly every white culture and society, in all parts of Asia, from time immemorial.  For brief support of this statement, see West Asian (“European”) Sexuality:  A Contemporary and Historical Survey.

For people of Sub-Saharan (“Black”) African descent, the first large-scale experience of homosexuality was with white people and/or in white-organized institutions (prison, vulnerability due to socio-economic disadvantages or slavery).  This includes slavery in the clandestine homosexual cultures of the Americas, proselytization of the Catholic church, slave trades in Turkic, Arab, and Persian nations, imprisonment, and sexual predation of socio-economically disadvantaged boys by wealthier, older white men.

Being that whiteness and homosexuality are intertwined, for blacks in a society with a white elite class, homosexuality is a way of gaining white acceptance.  He can’t adopt their appearance, but he can adopt their lifestyle.  Consciously or sub-consciously, this fills the void left by his lack of self-knowledge and ignorance of black history.  Without a past to draw an identity from, he can escape the pressures and hatred of his captors’ society by conforming to what it is, and what it wants of him.

He may now know why he does it, or even that he has but when he, the manliest of black men, the super-athlete, surrenders his blackness, he becomes cause celebre.  He, finally, has a place.  He is not a threat anymore.  His captivity, which he never even knew enough to see, only feel at some sub-conscious level, becomes an embrace.

Ving Rhames, big black man raped by white men on screen- cause celebre.  Darrick Jordan, black top athlete dating wealthy older white man- cause celebre.  Kerry Washington, plays black transsexual and performs fellatio on white man in film- cause celebre.  Barack Obama, calls gays and lesbians, not fellow blacks,  “brothers and sisters” (see clip), responds to racist murders of blacks with silence- cause celebre.

Gay is the new Black…

(Perhaps you protest that people are born homosexual.  From the congenital point of view, this is true.  It can even be controlled.  But homosexual desires and the gay lifestyle are two different things.  This article dealt with Black men who choose to promote and celebrate the gay identity, and the society that encourages them.)

afriqan sexuality

Polygyny Legalization & Women’s Inheritance: An African Response to Homophilic Marriage Legalization Pressures

Kenyan President Signs Polygyny Law

It brings civil law, where a man was only allowed one wife, into line with customary law, where some cultures allow multiple partners.  It allows men to take more wives without consulting existing spouses.  It has abolished the practice of unofficial traditional marriages which were never registered and could be ended without any legal divorce proceedings.  Kenyans now have to be 18 to marry and this applies to all cultures.  The law now allows for equal property and inheritance rights – previously a woman had to prove her contribution to the couple’s wealth.

“Through polygamous marriages women in precolonial Africa often had greater personal autonomy. As new wives joined a compound, older ones could focus on their trading. And successful women traders, such as the Iyalodes in Yorubaland, had a lot of power. While autonomous female traders are traditionally linked to West Africa, studies have found a long history of women’s trading also in places such as among the Kikuyu in Kenya as well as groups in Uganda and Zambia.

Of course, whatever autonomy polygamy afforded back then, it was subsumed by colonialism and the rise of puritanical missionary teaching.”

“That is not to say that married life was all that mattered to women, or that polygamy didn’t come with advantages for women, like independent trading, finances and legal rights.

Read more at:  http://www.bbc.com/news/world-africa-27206590

Bikinis Make Men See Women as Objects, Brain Scans Confirm

Sexy women in bikinis really do inspire some men to see them as objects, according to a new study of male neurology.

Brain scans revealed that when men are shown pictures of scantily clad women, the region of the brain associated with tool use lights up.

Men were also more likely to associate images of sexualized women with first-person action verbs such as “I push, I grasp, I handle,” said lead researcher Susan Fiske, a psychologist at Princeton University.

And in a “shocking” finding, Fiske noted, some of the men studied showed no activity in the part of the brain that usually responds when a person ponders another’s intentions.

This means that these men see women “as sexually inviting, but they are not thinking about their minds,” Fiske said. “The lack of activation in this social cognition area is really odd, because it hardly ever happens.”

Read more at http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2009/02/090216-bikinis-women-men-objects.html

Muslim Women’s Dress: A Tool of Black Liberation

Pervasive stereotypes of black women have worked to deny them dignity and rights. The “jezebel” image, stereotyping black women as sexually loose, has its roots in slavery to justify the systematic raping of enslaved women. It is in fighting this image that I see long dresses, or the hijab, as tools of liberation.

The Solution for Today’s Man: Initiation into Manhood

Sociologist Michael Kimmel suggest that many men between 16-26 are trapped in what he calls “guyland.” It is a holding ground where young men can remain boys and never really grow up and when they need to, they can act like grown men.

This problem affects all men, no matter their race, religious point of view, or socio-economic status.

If men actually followed their heart (their own inner wisdom) and were taught how to be more conscious, there would be less violence, greed, corruption and bloodshed among one another. How do men get in touch with their deeper nature and truth?

But how does a man get more in touch with himself and his own wisdom?

Three main ways:

  1. Initiation into manhood
  2. Mentorship
  3. A Men’s Circle

Initiation

Enter Joseph Campbell, a mythologist who did a renowned series of interviews with Bill Moyers on The Power of Myth. Campbell outlines what he calls “The hero’s journey.” George Lucas drew from this model when he made the Star Wars epic. The Lion King and the Matrix series were also modeled from the hero’s journey. I run my wilderness trips and trainings based upon this classic model.

The hero’s journey has three basic stages:  severance, initiation, and the return. Campbell asserts that in order to successfully move on to the next developmental stage in our life, we have to go through a rite of passage. Campbell also purports that the all hero’s journeys have one thing in common—the ordeal.

The ordeal is something challenging we must face and on the other side is the reward that we must bring back to our community.  For thousands of years, tribal and indigenous cultures initiate young boys into manhood through formal rites and rituals.

The entire intiation process leads a man toward deeper and deeper self-knowledge, the key to fulfillment and realizing one’s potential in life.

Let’s look at the popular film The Matrix. In the Matrix, the main character Neo (Keanu Reeves) was just a computer geek who worked for a lame firm and hated his job. Without “the call” toward something else, he would have been like many men—shut down, unhappy, bitter about life and stuck on the hamster wheel at a job he hates, growing increasingly bitter and resentful toward others and life in general.

READ MORE…

Actress Defends “Submissive Role” with NHL Hubbie

Former Full House Star Candace Cameron Bure writes “I love that my man is a leader. I want him to lead and be the head of our family.”

“Those major decisions do fall on him, but it doesn’t mean I don’t voice my opinion or have an opinion, I absolutely do.”

But, ultimately, her husband gets the final say. “It is very difficult to have two heads of authority,” Bure explained. “It doesn’t work in military, it doesn’t work — I mean, you have one president, you know what I’m saying?”

She further explained: “We are equal in our . . . importance, but we are just different in our performances within our marriage.”

READ MORE…